Big Hat, No Cattle...or ....The Best Laid Plans of Mice and Wren

Well, I'm just going to come out and say it.

ARSE.

I know, pretty strong language coming from these parts. But I've got good reason. HarperCollins canned the glossary project on The Reagan Diaries so I don't have a job. As they say in North Yorkshire, it all went a bit tits up. I think the hardest part was that no one called me to tell me the news so when I finally made my call to find out when work would commence, as we were a week past the date I was supposed to hear back from Doug, it was with surprise I ended up hearing from his wife that the project wasn't going to happen and that my services wouldn't be needed. I've only been devastated a few times in my life but this time was one of them for sure. Bloody hell.

So there you have it. Jeff's dad summed the whole experience up thusly:

Good thing you didn't buy the book.

Word.

I took the rest of the day off to be miserable and cry. The boss told me to take the war wagon and just go drive around. I did. I went up to the post office and was greeted by an overwhelming surprise from a dear library patron that made me cry even more in the post office parking lot. That was a really wet Monday, even though the skies were clear.

However, you can't let sorrow linger too long. I mean sure, I'm still bummed about not getting to do a cool job but a number of more cool (though not income producing) things have happened since.

First, there was the ride on the Harley. Jeff borrowed Stix's sportster and brought it back to the house to pick me up. It was beautiful out that late afternoon. We were in jeans and light jackets with our sunglasses on.

We stopped at a bar called The Parlor for pizza and to find out about Jeff having an art show there. Those are some of his paintings in the photo above. The crazy bugger, sometimes he just starts painting and you put it all together and it looks pretty great. On the way there he popped a wheelie, drove on the sidewalk when we missed the turn for the street we needed and nearly got hit by a pick up truck trying to get into the parkinglot. That was in the first 2 minutes!

After that, we went to the east side to see Larry and Holly at the tattoo shop. That got silly as well as you can see. Jeff spied the whiskey bottle under the counter and I was called in to photograph. No booze or tattoos were committed during that photo.


Finally it was off to Third Base to drop off the Harley and pick up the truck. We were cruising sixth street when a guy in an SUV cut us off and Jeff had to lock up the brakes causing us to skid sideways a few lifetimes..or seconds. Good thing he is a really good biker or we'd have been sucking that guy's bumper big time or peeling my skin off the asphalt.

Jeff asked me if I felt a rush of adrenaline during the skid. I said I felt a rush of something and if it didn't dry quickly he'd be feeling it too....

Once safely inside the bar and the keys returned to Stix's mailbox, I had a Guinness and Jeff had his usual and all was right with the world. We drove home, laughing as much as we had on the bike.

I mean really..how long can you stay sad after a ride on the back of a Harley with a crazy person? (I look forward to you all sharing your testimonials...)

As you can see from the photo of Jeff's artwork, there's been a lot of painting gone on down in the bat cave. He's doing some really cool tribal stuff and has even sold a piece already. Right on! I've been concentrating on getting the book manuscripts into electronic form so I haven't been painting but I have my stash of canvas and paint up here in the Fortress of Solitude for when the mood hits. But that may be a while because of the next adventure we undertook.

Because I was a bit down, I decided one evening to look for musical instruments on Craigslist. I figured that Austin being such a music town, I might be able to get a little guitar or mandolin pretty cheap from some starving musician. Bear in mind, I don't actually play either of those instruments but I knew I couldn't have a piano so a stringed instrument seemed sensible.

I didn't have a plan to look for a Dean acoustic/electric resonator guitar but when I saw the ad, it just spoke to me. I looked at the ad several times. There wasn't actually a photo so I went on line to see what it would look like and couldn't believe it. I had talked myself out of it and climbed in bed and that was to be that...except that my brain kept buzzing and I finally got up and sent the seller an email asking if he still had it.

I didn't hear from him for a whole day but he wrote back saying yes, he had it. He had three people interested but no one had come for it yet. I called Jeff and asked if we could mobilize quickly if the guy gave me his address and he said yes. So I called but got Kevin's machine and I left a message. Also emailed, too....and then didn't hear from him that evening. I was bummed. Thought I had lost the opportunity, in which case it wasn't meant to be. (This threatened to be a disturbing pattern taking place....)

But then the next day I got an email saying he had saved it for me and let's meet on Saturday morning. The guy who sold it to me was so cool. He had turned the garage of his amazingly beautiful house into the music room and it was FULL of guitars, amps, mandolins, an upright bass, keyboards, recording gear. He plugged the guitar in and played it. He unplugged it and played it. He plugged it in again and did some slide. I was in heaven. Jeff and Wendy and Kevin's wife sat on the floor chillin' while we talked what little guitar talk I knew. He and his wife are moving to Dallas and he's thinning out his herd just a little. She said she was surprised he was selling of one of his babies!

I've been practicing scales until my fingers hurt. It's going gonna take a while to get my callouses but they are coming.

So there you have it.



Oh...and the giraffe's name is Gerald. He was my other pick-me-up. He's from Guatemala but has a rather posh London accent for some reason. I'm pretty sure he's a homosexual....but I'm cool with that. He's always saying stuff like "Jesus, I love those shoes!" or "You are so fabulous." He reminds of Carson, the blonde guy on Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.

So I'm now a poor, under-employed writer/artist/musician with a giraffe in Austin, Texas. We're a dime a dozen.

I have no idea what I'm going to find for work. I'll let you know as soon as I know. I really appreciate the kind words and gifts that came my way for Christmas from you lovely folks. The thank you notes are underway. I'm just waiting for the glue to dry..

I hope everyone has had happy holidays. I wish you all great joy and much laughter in the new year. Rest assured, if YOU need a pick-me-up, I can usually provide you with one. Just be in touch.

I'm going to leave y'all with a music clip that I received on Christmas eve from someone very dear to me. I've included the lyrics in case you can't access YouTube... but listen if you can.

Much love from Austin-

xx wren

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ITM2AKRT9cI




Better Days
(John Rzeznik, Goo Goo Dolls)

And you asked me what I want this year
And I'll try to make this kind and clear
Just a chance that maybe
We'll find better days

'Cause I don't need boxes wrapped in strings
Designer love and empty things
Just a chance that maybe
We'll find better days

So take these words
And sing out loud
'Cause everyone's forgiven now
'Cause tonight's the night
The world begins again

I need someplace simple where we could live
And something only you could give
And that's faith and trust and peace while we're
Alive

And the one poor child who saved this world
There's 10 million more who probably could
If we all just stopped and said a prayer for them

So take these words
And sing out loud
'Cause everyone's forgiven now
'Cause tonight's the night
The world begins again

I wish everyone was loved tonight
And somehow stop this endless fight
Just a chance that maybe we'll
Find better days

So take these words
And sing out loud
'Cause everyone's forgiven now
'Cause tonight's the night
The world begins again

'Cause tonight's the night
The world begins again....

Bright Lights, Big City

As I was creaming butter, cream cheese and sugar together Saturday morning it occurred to me that I am an immigrant now. Landing at Austin-Bergstrom Airport was akin to landing at Ellis Island in many ways. Since my arrival I have had my identity challenged several times by various city and government agencies and as of Friday morning, had my only remaining tangible identification as a person from Maine taken from me when I applied for my Texas driver's license. I had to surrender my Maine license after having my photo taken and my thumb prints digitally scanned. In return, I was given a piece of paper documenting the surrender and another piece of paper with my temporary license. The real deal will arrive in the mail in a week or two. I wasn't expecting to have to give up Maine quite so demonstratively but then I realized heck, I still have to pay Mane state income tax next month so cripes, get over yourself.

Last week was a fairly quiet one. I've been making cards and a few presents to send home so I've been busy with glue and paper and tape and listening to tales of snow from the north. I received an early holiday gift from Jeff quite by accident on our way to the video store Sunday night. Jeff has definite feelings about the whole Christmas/Santa thing and suffice it to say, it's not a warm and fuzzy feelings. It's come up in conversation several times over the past few weeks and whenever I'm tempted to use the word Christmas, I quickly stop myself and substitute the phrase "Pagan Oriented" whatever for absurd effect. So as we were driving to the video place on Airport, I commented on a street of pretty pagan holiday lights. I have a love of Christmas lights that goes back to childhood, riding in the back seat of a station wagon or van with my brother, Ed, while dad chauffered the family through the neighborhoods of Portland. We also had tons of lights at the farm. It's just something I love. But it surprised the heck out of me when Jeff said:

You want to ride around and look at lights? I'll take you to Zilker Park and the Trail of Lights.

http://www.ci.austin.tx.us/tol/

It was a darn chilly evening. Wendy had her sweater on for a little while. Jeff had picked it up for her at Bark and Purr, though it's a dog sweater. The condescending woman at the cash register had said they didn't carry sweaters for cats and we'd have to look at dog sweaters. She was obviously a dog person. But Jeff found a small, pink cable knit number and kept praying for cool weather so he could let Wendy wear it. Things went about as well as you can imagine, given it's a cat in a dog sweater. She kept it on for a little while but reckoned she'd brave the cold.

Thanks to that Chevy Caprice Classic still lodged in Jeff's leg, we got to park not too far from the trail AND after a bit of a wait, we got to ride in a golf cart that was adorned with lights. The trail is nearly a mile long and there were tons of people out. It was quite a spectacle and very festive. The gal driving us weighed more than the cart so we were a rag-tag bunch of celebrities in our electric limo. Jeff had the hood on his sweatshirt pulled over his head. We had an afghan over our legs which was good because I had on capris and no socks (I was in video store garb, not hiking gear!), Wendy kept hopping from Jeff's lap to mine looking at people and the displays, much to the delight of anyone who noticed her. The lights were awesome and it was a fun night out. We stopped at the video store for The Big Lebowski and went home to watch the movie and drink hot chocolate.

Before I went up to the Fortress of Solitude for the evening, I asked the boss why he had taken me to a Christmas event, given the fact that he didn't partake of the holiday. His answer was that he didn't celebrate the holiday but that I did and so he went for me. Plus he had not been since he was a kid and had enjoyed seeing all the lights. Oh the old softie....

Thus, with Christmas just a week away now, I spent yesterday making cookies to give to folks here who have been kind to me. I found my favorite Cranberry Rugelach recipe that Tammy Wilson, my baker friend, introduced me to years ago and I tried a snickerdoodle recipe out of the Junior League of Austin cookbook that Jeff had ordered for me from a friend of Stix's who was selling it as a project for a marketing class. I didn't have allspice or nutmeg but fudged it by adding orange peel and dipping the cookies in dark chocolate.

It was the cookies that got me to thinking about immigrants and traditions. I'm a native Mainer of Welsh and Scottish stock living in Texas baking Polish rugelach cookies on Guadalupe Street. I've brought my traditions with me from a far off land to the north. I have a lovely wreath that Dave and his mum sent down and it scents my apartment like the woods I grew up in.

When Jeff found out I was baking cookies, he came for a visit. Of course the place smelled heavenly and he said that me baking for the holiday was very girlie...very Sharon. And ya know, he was right. It is very Sharon. Tonight, I packaged the cookies up in cellophane bags for the boss to give out as corporate thank you's to our valued customers. Ok, so it helps that it's Bill and Stix and Larry & Holly, all friends, but it sounds funny and silly. I even put little gift tags saying Happy Holidays from EJL World. Martha Stewart isn't the only one who knows how to keep her customer base...

To blow off a little of the craziness earlier this afternoon we went for a walk at the Umlauf Sculpture Garden and then on the grounds of the Capitol. It was in the mid-50s with not a cloud in the sky. Wendy got to investigate all sorts of sights and smells and I got to see a little more of Austin.
.
That



That last picture was taken at the downtown branch of the Austin Public Library. I was doing some work on the Reagan Diaries and Jeff was writing. Wendy, as always, was on duty.

Heaven only knows what the week ahead holds. I hope all the Maine folks are taking care of their backs after all the snow you've had. Wish I could tell you that shoveling sunshine is hard work but so far, it's not. Cleaning the apartment, small as it is, is another story all together....

Texas-sized hugs and kisses all!

sharon

We Couldn't Resist

Hi everyone.


There we were, sitting at a stop light on Koenig or somewhere and a fly was buzzing about and whack! Jeff killed it. He looked at me and said, "Now, Sharon, you've seen me kill." And we decided then and there it would make a funny one line blog, especially given what some of you know of El Jefe.


What made it even funnier is that y'all kept thinking there was more to the blog and that it wouldn't open for various sundry and legal reasons. Aw come on...we're laughing with you, not at you.....


But it's set in motion the crazy machine again.


Due to reasons we are still trying to ascertain, my EJL WORLD boss has been stood up for dates seven times in a row. What began as a self-deprecating soliloqy over the past week evolved yesterday into a personal ad that we posted in the Men Seeking Women column on CraigsList Austin. We were at Third Base, Bill's sportsbar on W. 6th Street having fries and an adult beverage. Jeff had brought in copies of his True Fiction manuscript to share with some of his friends who work at the bar and conversation landed on his shorty story on attempts to have a successful date, success being that a woman actually showed up.


With the help of Shelly behind the bar, we pieced together the ad. Then, as luck would have it, I had my camera with me and since Jeff had already put away two glasses of B&B, we had the props for a portrait of the young man as an artist. I have to tell you, I can't look at the photo without laughing. Talk about being pleased with myself. I think I have a future as a photographer of tortured artists. Here's the ad:


Have you ever wondered what it would be like to go on a date with the epitome of all things manly? Let me tell you aboug Crazy Jeff. Tightly wrapped and yet easily undone, known for his morbidly excessive philosophy and unattainably high standards, he embodies the ultimate conundrum.

Crazy Jeff will take you out for sushi and even pick up the check. How the night ends is limited only to your imagination, from the disasterously memorable to the "oh my God I can't believe I actually went out with that guy!"

If you act now, the first 5 responders will also receive a flower at no extra emotional cost. So click to your email now. After all, there's only one Crazy Jeff and this is a limited time offer.

No animals were hurt in the making of this ad, but Jeff's cat Wendy is pretty upset about Jeff dating.

Offer subject to availability. Residents of North Dalls and West Houston disqualified.





So, it got posted and wow, the worm hit the water and the fish started biting. He got a response straight away and bless him, Jeff followed through with the date. He put on some nice duds. I reminded him he had to stop at the store for a flower, gave him a hug and kiss on the cheek and sent him off into the big world.


They met at Silhouette for sushi and had a good time with laughs. At the end of the meal, he paid the bill, gave the 46-year old divorcee a kiss and said goodnight. He was home by 10, none the worse for wear. See, ladies, he's a man of his word.


However....I'm not going to give a total endorsement quite yet thanks to his actions this afternoon.


I had been up very late with my friends Zman and Adriana Friday night. They had come up from San Antonio to bring me the computer that Zee had built for me. We hung out until around 3:30 am so I didn't get a lot of sleep. You know how it is when you get to sleep that late. Even if you slept 10 hours, it's still not very restful. So I was a bit cranky from being overtired when I finally got up and moving.


Jeff had been out with Wendy all morning/early afternoon and came home full of vip and vim. I'd been fighting with the new laptop, trying to get it to connect to the internet, and was a study in frustration. Mechanical things not working make me crazy. Zee returned a call for help and was trying to do so but Jeff kept up a separate dialogue on the Austin end and I was ready to scream but didn't.


After we finally got things sorted and I thanked Zee, Jeff said he needed me to drive him down to Third Base so he could pick up Stix's motorcycle. Well, you know how I've been feeling about driving the war wagon in downtown Austin. I would be driving back home alone for the first time. Grrrrrr. I walked back to my place to get my license and Jeff came along to talk to my attractive neighbor about sharing wireless fees now that I had a computer. Emily had been holding off getting internet access due to cost and Jeff had broached the subject with her before my arrival. He was being very attentive to me to show Emily what a sweetheart he is and when we finally were getting to the truck he looked at me with the "OH, she's so cute" look. In return I gave him the "I'm not too pleased with you right now" look.


He uttered the quintessential male phrase:


"Why did you give me that look?"


I said I was tired and cranky and he was making decisions that were MINE to make without consulting me and I wasn't half pleased about it.

I even stamped my foot for effect, though the truck was on and my shoes were rubber soled so you couldn't hear it. But I knew I'd done it. So there.


He was in the driver's seat so I climbed in the passenger's seat and we headed out for MOPAC or Route 1. He didn't say a lot and neither did I. As he drove, he pulled out a stack of cds from the storage unit and flipped through them, obviously looking for one in particular. I was paying attention but covertly so. Finding the one he wanted, he slid it in the player and zipped through the tracks. I could tell he was looking for a specific tune. When the music came on he asked if I knew it. I recognized the singer but it took me a minute to place the tune. And when I realized what it was, I had to look out the passenger side window. Here's the tune. Listen to it if you possibly can.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cTW5YHbOT3Y


If you don't have music/video access as you're reading this, let me tell you that the tune was country singer Joe Diffie singing Is It Cold In Here, Or Is It Just You? Here are the lyrics.

There's something wrong
Lord I'm feeling it too
That runs through my heart
Like a torch cuts through steel
You haven't said a word
Are you feeling it too
Is it cold in here
Or is it just you

Did I leave the door wide open
And let the chill just kill that old desire
Should I put my arms around you
Or put another log on the fire
Is it my imagination
Or did the temperature just drop a notch or two
Is it cold in here
Or is it just you

There's no warmth at all
When I try to hold you near
You stare into space
As if I wasn't here
Did our love just die
Or is it just about to
Is it cold in here
Or is it just you

Did I leave the door wide open
And let the chill just kill that old desire
Should I put my arms around you
Or put another log on the fire
Is it my imagination
Or did the temperature just drop a notch or two
Is it cold in here
Or is it just you

Oh is it cold in here
Or is it just you




Yes, I'm looking out that window as hard as I can so he doesn't get the satisfaction of seeing me trying not to pee myself laughing, the cheeky bastard. He sang the entire song to me, complete with gestures, as we drove downtown. By the time we got to Third Base, I was so giddy from exhaustion at the laughing and lack of sleep that I didn't care that I had to drive home alone. Just get him out of the goddamn truck, the bugger.


In other news, Wendy is recovering well from her second visit to the vet. She's got staples to keep things tidy where there had been some upset from the first operation. I didn't hear from Doug this week but went ahead and got my library card at Austin Public and have a copy of The Reagan Diaries that I've started working with to get a jump on things. He finishes up at Rice next Friday then has a long stretch of research and writing time ahead.


On Thursday I was part of a work crew at Telepathic Tatto, Larry Da Leopard's tattoo parlor, painting the exterior of the building for a new look. This is Larry with his son, Zoom!

I'll show you our excellent work when I get a photo. And yes, Larry is tattooed with spots over his entire body I'm told!



Jeff and Wendy sharing a turkey potpie


And there you have it. Another week in Crazyville, USA.


Hope you laughed as much as I have.


Mwaaaah!

Wren